Monday, April 26, 2010

We are blessed and I stink.

Greetings! Let me begin by saying that the last post was convicting to me as I read it again this afternoon. Tim wrote it. Today, though I know I am blessed, I do not FEEL blessed. I feel like a horrible sinner swimming against the flow of a giant river of feces. Sorry for the visual, but honestly, I am feeling that way. The irony is, this river of feces is ...... my own doing.

I guess I should explain.

April has been the month from H-E-double hockey sticks. It started with the death of Tim's computer and the necessity of having to buy a new one (set to arrive the 14th of May). Then there was the stolen water meters leading to 4 days without water. Then the rolling brown-outs leading to spoiled food and the need to escape our fan-less apartment, thus increasing our "going out" budget to avoid the heat, and the non-stop inconvenience leading to Promise's sweaty naptimes that weren't so "nappy". Then came Tim throwing out his back and my hips reaching the point of OUCH...the increase of temperature putting Davao at 110 degrees F on the heat put rolling brown-outs with that and you get a very crabby baby and mommy. Then I received a power bill charging us $270. USD....the largest one we've ever had...and it was that high even with the rolling brown-outs! Then Promise got sick. Really sick...then she passed it to Tim, who then passed it to me....enter TODAY....6-hour brown-out on our street in the heat of the day leading to something I am not proud of.

I threw a tantrum. I have kept my cool this whole month....trying to stay positive and helpful as I watched Tim throw minor tantrums through the mess and stress of it all, but today, my tantrum was 100% worse than any he had thrown. Mine was so bad it threw me into a painful tizzy of shortness of breath and of uterine contractions. I'd had enough....of this country....of mosquitoes....of the weather....of the brown-outs...of loneliness....of missing family....of being uncomfortably pregnant...of being so sweaty that I can't see straight....everything seemed to be too heavy to handle...I was too physically hot to bear it and with sweat pouring from every portion of my body I cried out, "I AM DONE AND I WANT TO GO HOME!"....and Tim prayed. And I felt convicted. It's been years and years since I'd had a fit like that...or even felt like I 'needed' one.

So here I sit...30-weeks pregnant and so grateful for the life inside, so grateful for my husband that God gave me to fill in the gaps when I suck, so grateful for Promise, who despite the heat, maintains a pretty great disposition. And here I sit, so disgusted by my attitude and lack of grace for life here and so disappointed in my ungrateful actions.....and I still desperately want to go home.

I listen to stories of others around the world facing trials and the difficulties they go through daily as a result of poverty and pain and I realize just how petty my grievances are. Even during prenatal exams, I listen to the humbling stories of my patients and how much they sacrifice to simply have some assurance that their babies will be okay. Just last week, we had a patient come in for a prenatal at 36 weeks who had not felt her baby move in a few days. Heart tones were not found and the baby had turned from cephalic (head down) to breech and no fetal bones of the head were found upon palpation usually indicating the baby had died. Gosh....what kind of tizzy would THAT send me into? I cannot imagine.

I am reminded of the Scripture from Romans 8, which says,

" 18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21thati]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

The bold area describes the groan I feel, hear...almost taste these pours out of me like the sweat the number of natural disasters seem to increase and the wars and rumors of wars continue to plague headlines, and as some of our patients lose their children for no known heart aches to see His coming and ALL CREATION yearns to be relieved....

"His grace is sufficient." Oh God, forgive my ungrateful heart and my petty, earthly grievances.

Please pray for me.

I leave you with three pics of the Bird.

That's Tim and Promise riding the Gaisano Mall "train" to escape the heat of the was super busy....guess everyone had the same idea to escape the heat!

And this is our friend, Sherry, who has blessed us immensely with her gracious company, wisdom and support. Promise just loves her and she has a granddaughter about Promise's age! Her hubby, Rick, is the fantastic guy bringing Tim a new computer. :)


Emilie said...

That passage from Romans was a great reminder for me, too. Thank you! It won't be long 'til you're home for furlough. Stay strong!

Sheri Scott said...

Oh Bethany - I've thrown fits for less, ESPECIALLY while pregnant. I think you are doing great and I'm sure God has room for your tantrum, it's not like it's your continual attitude. In case you are not sure - look how bad you feel about it. Perspective is an amazing thing - compared to those who suffer more, you should be thankful. Compared to those who suffer less, you are doing smashing in your circumstances. Peace is relative to the distress, the more you need - the more you get :) Thanks for sharing - I love you and think you are wonderful (Tim too), even the lumpy tantrummy parts. Sheri

Heather said...

Praying for you, my dear friend.

I love you (and Tim, Promise, and baby boy, too).

Anonymous said...

My heart is breaking for you. I am in tears once again as I read this. I feel so helpless to comfort my only daughter. Then I realize as I read on, you ARE being comforted by the greatest Comforter there is. I thank God for your yielding to the Spirit to allow the scriptures to bring you comfort and hope. And for Tim for praying over you. You will make it!
I love you so much and wish I could hug you really hard. Until then, I will trust on God's long arm fill in.

~*Beth Durden*~ said...

I agree with Sheri (above)! You are amaaaaazing WOMAN!!! :o) Have some grace for yourself love. God does not look down on you for being miserable in the godforsaken heat. And, the Spirit wouldn't have to intercede for us if we didn't have things that needed to be expressed living on this earth that were so deep, so painful, so heart wrenching that God Himself needs to cry out from within us.
Know that I am crying out with you. You inspire and amaze me. Even when you feel "not so amazing."
MUCH love <3