Monday, February 14, 2011

A day of pondering....

Happy Valentine's Day. Tim and I went out last Wednesday for our "date" while his brother and his brother's future wife watched the kiddos. What a blessing. Tim gave me an incredible Valentine's present. A journal....that HE writes ME! Just about everyday, I can find a short note written to me in his handwriting. :) A blessing considering he will make a shopping list on his iPad instead of on a piece of scratch paper!
Thank you, Tim.

Today has been a rough day.
I was just writing the women's ministry director of our new church to ask her how to connect with a mentor and some discipleship and came face to face with my loneliness.

I have friends. But I need a mentor....a woman strong in the faith to kick my bum when self-pity and anger pop up...I need someone to sit and listen to me cry when I feel as though God isn't enough....even when I know He IS!

After tearfully writing her an introductory e-mail, I was reminded of some friends' blogs who are currently serving at Mercy in the Philippines and decided to "quickly" check in on them since I no longer facebook. Perhaps this wasn't a very good idea.

As I read about their delivering babies and ministering to the women, how Mercy just celebrated their 15th year anniversary with their 17,000th baby, how each one is struck by the compassion of a merciful God, I began to weep.

I cannot begin to describe how I am feeling....a deep sense of loss perhaps? Missing making a positive contribution to the Kingdom? I should be clear....I do not miss the Philippines....I miss some dear friends there, but even moreso, I miss serving women in need.....and now I AM THAT woman in need. I am struggling to be okay with that. "To every season...."

While I struggle with hating the last 3 years of my life, I am struck by God's mercy through those 3 years. The power of God and the miraculous were part of everyday life. And they still are, though I find Him more difficult to see. He is here.

At this time last year, I was pregnant with my precious son, Toby and had taken Promise with me on a long flight to Oregon to take my midwifery certification exam. That was a rough month. I wish the Lord would wipe away the memories of the last 3 years so that there would be no pain. However, there would also be no memory of the joys of the last 3 years....the birth of my Promise....and my Toby. Mmmm. I thank the Lord for them daily.

Just some blue thoughts on this grey day.


Emilie said...


I know what you mean by needing a mentor. For so long I waited and prayed for one and it seemed like God just didn't hear me. And then, one day, there she was. Yours is out there, too.

BTW - in a small way, you've been a mentor to me and you still are. Thank you :)

Mr. P said...

we're here for you, aunti B. the P Famille loves you.


Christina said...

Hey Bethany,
I truly treasure being challenged by you as I read your blog. Your continued effort to keep your life focused on God right where you are-- is a strong reminder to me to keep leaning on the Lord for my source of strength and wisdom. And to remember not to rely on the things of this world to satisfy. Thanks and keep writing, your awesome way with words in a constant inspiration.

RuthAnn said...

Hey Bethany- Andy once wrote a journal before we were married and gave it to me after we were... it was quite cool... I think he's due for another one.

So much good and so much bad can come from the same three years... but it couldn't have happened any other way. God will use these trials and fires to refine you.
We've just ended a chapter in our Bible Study about circumstances, suffering, our response to them, and so on- so applicable.
I think you should get your hands on One Thousand Gifts if you can, as well "Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free". (as if you weren't already reading good stuff!!)
We love you and hope we can be with you sometime soon.
2 Cor. 12:9- not removing his thorn, Paul was reminded "My grace is sufficient, in your weakness I am strongest."

Vukani said...

Oh B,

I have been missing you so... missing how much more we used to connect while we were on opposite sides on the world, than we do now that we are in the same province! I tried to call tonight, but missed you.

So my friend, there is something about the way you face the challenges. You inspire me, in your raw authentic honesty. Your knowledge of your need of God, your cry from within you for healing to your pain, the way you through yourself at the word and the cross, the true friend that you are.... I was thinking about the sadness you felt, before you had your precious bundles...God was refining you then prior to taking you overseas, and now.... again. I can only know that much beauty is going to come from this season, but also know that does not make even one day easier for you.... isn't it great that in our weakness He IS strong?! (I would quote the verse but RuthAnn beat me to it!) I miss you my dear, dear friend - and please know, that while you feel alone, you are not - you are surrounded by arms of love in the spirit who are all around you. Your mentor is coming, I just know she is! (Remember how God brought Sylvia, just when you needed her most?) We serve a faithful God!