Wednesday, June 9, 2010

"I will Hold On"...

Greetings! Have you ever heard that Vineyard song, “Hold On”? Tim used to sing it quite a bit and it appeared in my head this morning. Here are the lyrics....


My times are in Your hands
I know I'll never understand
But I'll trust in You
Sometimes my heart grows cold
I m sorry when I take control
How I'm needing You

Even when I fall
You help me stand
Even when I'm lost
You take my hand

I will hold on
I will hold on
I will hold on
Yes, I will trust in You

My life is in Your hands
You hold the key to who I am
And I'll trust in You
Sometimes my heart is stone
I m sorry when I walk alone
How I'm needing You


These last few days have been tiring and hard. I realized about two days ago that my body had not actually withdrew from the effects of the opiates I had been on in the hospital and was prescribed for home use. Stopping them completely left my body in total chaos. Between the LBM, heart palpitations, sweating, nausea and restlessness, I felt like I was either going into labor or needed to be and FAST! I couldn’t sleep and my hip would seize in pain from the muscle tension putting pressure on the nerve, thus I would feel the need to pop another tramadol or dolcet to ease the pain and discomfort.

Although I was down to a quarter of the dose originally prescribed and was nearly totally off the meds, I would hit a wall around 3 or 4 pm with severe withdrawal symptoms not knowing that my body was trying to detox.


Well, after yesterday’s prenatal exam, I had enough. The prenatal with Bea went awesome and the baby is doing fantastic...no side effects for him! :) Praise God. But Bea and I began to talk about how high my pulse was and at one point she said to me, “You okay? You look white!” And I began to feel like I wanting to purge and vomit breaking out into a cold sweat. I finally said, “Bea, I think I am addicted to the opiates!” While that actually isn’t true, I can definitely understand why one would become addicted quite quickly. Detoxing is awful and the only “cure” for the signs and symptoms of withdrawal seemed to be taking an optiate!


Bea and I quickly made some ginger tea for the nausea, I took homeopathic chamomile for the restlessness and irritability, and drank a beer to help sleep and bring down my pulse. Honestly, friends, I am not proud of all this and I wish I had been a part of the decision-making in the hospital when they put me on the myriad of opiates intravenously, but they just didn’t tell us what they were giving me and finally when I left the hospital with a prescription did I find out that what I would be taking is highly addictive and I would need to wean off the meds slowly, as my body was FULL of them upon leaving the hospital. Well, within 3 days outta the hospital, I was trying to get off them completely and here I am...a week later...managing withdrawal symptoms with whatever we can find in the Philippines!


Thankfully, Tim and Bea....and even Promise, have been patient with me as I stumble through this journey. It’s been lonely and each day feels like a battle. However, I have been receiving frequent encouraging e-mails from dear friends and mentors back home that have been reminding me of the strength of Christ in me, the fearlessness of His character in me, and the calling on this precious baby boy’s life. I am struck with awe as I am reminded of His unfailing love for me and the power He has to overcome all things in and outside of me.


I feel vulnerable and my physical body feels more weak than ever and yet, my spirit is very alive and is striving to rise above every circumstance, hurt, disappointment, feeling of rejection, and loss. I long to have those closest to me to share in the journey we are facing now. I long for meaninful “God-talks” with people dearest to me. I long for them to be a part of our baby’s birth, as I feel as though it is such a triumph in our adventure with the Lord. But we are alone.


With a humble and somewhat heavy heart, I look forward to laboring for this baby knowing that God will sustain me and the precious life inside. While we have not announced his name to many, yet, I will say that we picked his name based on its meaning. His name means “God is always good” and he is and will continue to be a constant reminder of that no matter what country the Lord takes us to, how lonely we feel, and when circumstances don’t make sense, God is ALWAYS good.


I apologize for hogging the blog these days. Tim is busy working hard so that he can take some time off when the baby is born, but still be able to feel confident leaving the Philippines in December. He has been slowed a bit by my status and though I feel horrible for this, I am so thankful I have such an amazing husband who desires to serve me in whatever state I am in. I am sure he will post something about water soon.


I wish I could post something about the awesome ministries we are involved in, the people we are tending to, the lives of the poor that are being transformed as a result of our service here, but all I can say is that in the holding place we are in right now, God doesn’t need us. While Tim may be able to tell you stories of how the water filters are blessing the poor and transforming lives and you can find them on www.impactnations.com, I honestly can’t think of a life that I have impacted besides Promise’s in a very long time. Perhaps that is the season of life I am in. I am looking forward to “doing” for the Lord soon....right now I feel like He is holding me in a “being” state....so for now, I will just “Hold on” and watch Him move.


Please be praying for us. We are hoping this baby will arrive sometime next week. Please pray he will come, that the pain will not be overwhelming (neither labor pains or nerve pain), and that he will be born competely healthy without complications. “God is ALWAYS good”.


Be blessed.

12 comments:

Jennifer said...

Hey Bethany,

Jenn Perry here. I just started following your blog and just wanted to let you know that you, Tim, Promise and your new addition are all in my prayers. You are an inspiration to me in perseverance and in seeking God in the midst of the hard stuff.

Bless you, mate!
Jenn

Sarah said...

Bethany,
The song lyrics really spoke to me too, in my time of waiting for our baby boy to arrive (he's EDD is tomorrow). I've gone through nothing like what you have and are going through. Your words are so inspiring and encouraging as you speak from your heart in the midst of a major trial. I wish I could give you a very big hug! I'll be praying for your baby boy and for the safety of his arrival and that the Lord would keep you from all nerve pain during labor. Love,
sarah

Anonymous said...

Oh, I AM praying for you and thanking God that the baby is still dong well. My friend in NZ had a similar experience with the opiate withdrawal after back surgery. I am so glad you have Bea and Tim at your side to help you "Hold On".
LOLAP,
Sylvia

Anonymous said...

Bethany,
So gald you finally blogged. Grandma Thel just called to find out why no blogs to keep up on you.
I am encouraged that God gave you that song because just this morning I was listening to Michael W. Smith's song "Hold on, Help is on the Way" and singing as loud as I could in the car to YOU! You will make it! He will never leave you and His heart is for you. My heart is on you everyday as well. I love you! Thanks for the hint on the little guy's name!
MOM

Anonymous said...

P.S.
Check out Nahum 1:7

MOM

Naomi Bjorgan said...

Bee,

You are an inspiration and I love you guys. I pray the Lord brings you a painless supernatural delivery and you have a complication free birth. Pray God's timing into it. He answers that prayer :)

Love you,

Nomers

Christina said...

Bethany I ache for you. We are praying.
Ps. 33:20 Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.  21For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name.  22Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.
We leave for Haiti in 34 hours; please call if you can. I'll make sure I give you a number to call when that wonderful by arrives.
Much love, Mum

Bethany said...

We are keeping the name of our baby quiet until he arrives so that we can announce it at his birth, so please, if you know it or have decided to "figure it out", just give us the joy of being to surprise our families and friends back home with his precious, prayed-over name. Thanks. And thanks for all the encouraging words.

pasivirta said...

Hey,

There's nothing easy about being a mom, let alone away from your family, while sick and pregnant, don't pretend that its not a huge feat you are involved in, forget what it looks like.

heather lilly said...

Dave's words are exactly right. Don't think that you aren't "doing" for the Lord by just "being" in the best way you know how.

Praying for you daily. Can't wait to hear news about baby boy (and his name!).

xoxo,
Heather

Christine Fiscer, Birthkeeper said...

Praying for you, friend! I will be praying he comes soon, and that your labor is quick and easy. Know that you're loved and being thought of often. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Tim and Bethany,

Check out Water Missions International,
based in Charleston, South Carolina...

On another note... look into Orthodox Christianity

Thank you for the work you do,
Michael