Tuesday, February 3, 2009

"Just when you thought the ride would end...."

How I'm coping....
Last week was a blur.
Visitors left on Friday.
Then came the clean up on Saturday.
Tried to get reorganized.
Tried to get back into some kind of routine.
Bird didn't sleep.
Sunday - a day of rest....and homework.
Sunday, 9 pm - Annaluz in labor. "Meet me at Mercy", she says.
2 cm. Stretchy cervix....third baby...may go fast.
2:00 am- Annaluz wants to push. 2:35 am baby boy, Leofe, born with thick meconium and a weak cry.
3:00 am - baby stable and mom's good. Joy and praise. Postpartum checks, injections, examinations....
6:00 am - lumber home, feed hungry, very awake baby. Sleep one hour.
8:00 am - pump, shower, dress, eat, run to clinic for prenatals, lab, and baby checks.
1:30 pm - BREAK to feed baby at clinic, have meeting, and eat meager lunch.
2:30 pm - Statistics class. Eyes are heavy. Need more coffee.
4:30 pm - home, feed bird, homework, make dinner....head to bed early?
Bird didn't sleep.
Day off. Groceries. Homework.
Feeling discouraged, tired, mildly lonely, weak.
Trying to finish academics by May, NARM numbers by June, clinical hours by February 2010. Seems so far away.
I want to be a mom, a wife.
I want to be a good midwife.
I want to not worry about the next few months.
I want to positively impact the women around me.
But I'm tired. Broken. Broke.
Need $5,000. by March for tuition.
In almost $10,000. in debt from living here.
I want to dive into service to others, but feel the weight of responsibility.
I feel like an empty vessel, but know where the fresh springs are....just within reach, but can only take small sips. Too tired to drink from it.
Feel weak. Behind. Handicapped?
Full of expectation. Weighed down with expectations.
Love my life, but struggling to continue persevering.
Love my baby.
Love my husband.
Know there's an end to this present season.
Know I will make it.
Need Him more.
He's been faithful. Always faithful.
Tomorrow - baby checks, homework, class, mom, wife, student, midwife. Child.

6 comments:

Peter Davis said...

Hi Bethany...wow. We will be praying for your family and for the provision of 5,000. We love you. Hope to see you there in the summer...but we too are struggling with support raising. All in God's time I am reminded over and over. I know God can work outside of the box of the US Economy problem...but I can't help but think of how it might be affecting the support raising. You're daughter is beautiful. Hang in there. Much love to you and your family! I will pray you will not feel lonely anymore too, dear.
Sarah (i think I was signed in to Pete's blog, but it's Sarah!!)

Heather said...

Oh B,

I feel your weary frustration and I want to do something to help and I too feel a bit powerless right now. Reminder to me: I serve a POWERFUL God, WE serve a POWERFUL God.

So, I'll continue staking my claim in Him and offer you my continued prayer, and the promise that I will ask others to join with me in prayer.

I love you.
Heather

Heather said...

P.S. That kid is frickin CUTE! :)

Anonymous said...

Bethany,
I remember a day 30 years ago,I had just begun at TBN and was feeling really beat up, exhausted, useless,misunderstood and wasted, and had decided to quit. I walked back into my office to write my letter of resignation and found this scripture laying on my desk where someone had left it for me. "He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it." IThess.5:24. I trusted that God had it sent to me. It is sent to you today by someone who loves you and understands a little of your wearyness and frustration and cares deeply about your success. When HE guides HE provides. HE HAS called you and He will provide.I Love You. Dad

Anonymous said...

Bethany,
Your blog sounds like it belongs in the pages of the Psalms. How David, and many others "after God's own heart", felt the way you do. You are being tried as by fire, but rest assured, you will emerge as a diamond! As a mom, I wish I could BE THERE to hold you and tell you it will all be ok. But know, IT WILL BE OK. God hears your heart and is faithful to uphold you.
Ps 73:23,24
I love you and Dad and I are praying for a windfall!!!
MOM

Birthkeeper said...

Praying for you, dear friend. I have said before that I have no idea how you do what you do. What you are going through is NOT just being "new" at motherhood, or being a wife, being a student, or being a midwife...you are doing ALL of these things at once. It is truly God...as it can't be any other reason that you still have the strength to stand up each day. Know that He is in control, no matter how out of control life may seem. So many women have been blessed by you...even myself in the very short time that I was there.

(((Many Hugs)))
Christy