Dying to self.

Enjoying the cold in the West. Promise's new favorite activity....SWINGING!
Toby learning what it means to be COLD!
Our very last few moments in the Philippines with our dear friends Toti and Connie Ambulo. We miss them.

Greetings!

Today I am closing my facebook account. It seems weird to do that, but I feel as though it is one more step I am choosing to make to create a bubble of safety around myself and my family.

I have been reading several books these days on God's desire for intimacy with me. I am at risk of becoming a "spiritual nut-job" as a result and to be perfectly honest, I am happy about that.

As I struggle to find some peace and sanctuary from the painful memories and anguish of the last couple years, I am struck by 2 Corinthians 4. Read it here .

Especially verse 17: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Basically it's saying, once again, that this life is merely a blip on the radar....we are a blink of an eye....a vapor....a moment compared to eternity. To the sovereign God, our life span is just a snap of the fingers....To the God who created the entire universe with a spoken word, my life here on earth is a glance....my troubles, momentary.

While I am precious and of great value to my Maker, who gave His very own Son, Jesus, to reunite me with Himself, my life here on earth is simply the "rehearsal" for my life in eternity. With this thought in mind, my daily struggles with anguish, pain, and hurt are, too, a blink of an eye. When I feel as though I "don't deserve this" or the pain feels as though it will never end or if I feel as though I "need" to end it all, I am challenged to see it through this perspective: "Can I suffer for a moment in time? Can I feel pain and anguish for a blink of an eye? Can I be obedient to God for a vapor if it means spending an eternity in glory with my Maker?"

Abso-flogging-lutely!

I love the song "Brought to Tears" by Jeremy Riddle.

The chorus goes like this:

"When I think of all You've done for me:

Taking Your majesty and wearing humanity.

Giving Your life for me, changing my destiny.

I am brought to tears."

I, too, am brought to tears when I think that for thousands of years, humanity has been sinning, living for "himself", selfishly hurting those around "him", but most of all, grieving God and yet, Jesus underwent the greatest suffering, enduring every awful deed of every created being for all of history just so every generation, every person's "blink-of-an-eye-life" can have the opportunity of spending an ETERNITY with Him in His beauty and glory. What grace! I can endure injustice, suffering and emotional turmoil for this moment knowing that Jesus paid for it all and my eternal destiny is secure. Mmmm. 2 Corinthians 4 gives me license to be a spiritual nut-job, too...for I am living for what is unseen....ha ha ha! Tell THAT to your therapist and see what they say! CUCKOO! Love it.

That's what I am grappling with these days as I process my hiccup of a life. Be all glory to Jesus. Amen.

Be blessed.

Entering a new season. Leaving an extended winter.

I am always astounded by the desolation of the winter months here in Canada. While in the Philippines, there was very little to differentiate winter months from summer months except for the Christmas carols being played in groceries stores in the "ber" or Brrr months, here in Canada, the shocking reality of winter is clear.

The past 4 months have been the most difficult months of our lives....an extended winter....one full of the bitter, bone-chilling cold emotionally, relationally, maritally, and spiritually. As so many of you know, Tim and I have been going through our greatest hell in the past 2 years and we are now beginning to see the hope of spring.

Without going into detail, Tim and I have made a very drastic life-change in order to seek the Lord more fervently with every piece of our being. We are now entering a season of rejuvenation, healing, and restructuring. We have cut out most forms of media (TV, movies, news and the like), are seeing a counselor bi-weekly, and have found a home church where we will be getting fed, keep accountable and get discipled.

We still know without a doubt that we are called overseas once again to serve the poor....but not in the very broken state that we are in. We seek to be whole and wholly devoted to each other and the Lord before entering into full-time service once again.

So that leads me to where we are currently.

We finally are moving into our "own" home the end of February. We will be moving into a basement suite below Tim's parents in Abbotsford where Tim's family is located and where we have found a church. Tim is working partially with Impact Nations being their "water guy" while fundraising for the Philippines. He is also a sort of tech guy for another company called WOW Ventures. Feel free to google them! They're great.

I have the privilege of staying home with the kids and packing boxes for my in-laws' so that we all can move to Abbotsford together. :) (they are in India until 2 days before we move!)

I am looking forward to having a place of sanctuary to begin to raise Toby and Promise in a more stable environment.

As some of you know, I am leaving facebook and would like to keep tabs on people more personally via e-mail. Feel free to e-mail! (bagpipegoo@yahoo.ca)

I will try to update this blog more regularly now that life is looking a little more manageable. I will also try to be a bit more transparent regarding our life's journey in the future.

Thank you for reading and praying for us. God is faithful and I am so grateful for His unfailing love, acceptance, mercy and grace.

Be blessed.

Clinging to the cross....

Greetings. Sorry for the long delay in posts. Our family has hit a very rough spot and we are currently unable to blog. Unfortunately, it will be a very long time until our next blog, so I will try to sum up the next couple of months for us.

We leave the Philippines November 11th and head back to Vancouver. We will be staying with family until either Tim's parents' house sells and we can move into a larger home with them, or God provides us with a place of our own. The last 3 years have proved to be the hardest in our lives, but they have also been the greatest testimony of God's mercy over us.

We are currently trying to put our Filipino lives together to immerse ourselves into being Canadians again. We could really use your prayers right now.

Among the stressors are just the sheer thought of moving across an ocean, living with family in a small space until we find a place to live, having to ship our belongings home, culture shock for the kids, buying winter clothes and other necessities on a Filipino budget, and some other very difficult circumstances. Please pray for our protection as a family, as we have been hit with some serious spiritual attack. Please pray for God's gracious provision and for peace.

Thank you all for reading these last 3 years and for your prayers, financial support, and encouragement. We are so very grateful and look forward to connecting with many of you in the near future.

Be blessed.

Teething, Tantrums, and Two

Greetings! Bethany here. I have been incredibly thankful for Tim's postings. I miss reading his updates even though I share a room with him and get updated quite frequently. :)

I am currently sitting on the bed next to Toby who has just graced me with a giant snot bubble and a mound of fresh spit up while listening to Promise cry on the baby monitor because she has just woken up from her nap.... *sigh*.

Toby is now two months old and what a handsome little man he is! Though fighting a bit of a sinus infection (I have to give him saline drops twice daily and then suction all that green mucous out...eww), he smiles every time I enter the room and looks expectantly for his loud and silly older sister. He is so precious. His personality is starting to show, too. He hates being alone....even when asleep! He knows when I leave the room and will immediately show his displeasure by letting out a quick shrill cry. Thinking he has hurt himself, I race in there only to see him smiling because he got my attention. As long as I am holding him, he is content....however, with him growing well passed 14 pounds now, my hips are crying out to put him down! He is already out of his 3 month clothing and we have had to change to medium size diapers because the amount of excretion surpasses that of most grown adults. We are blessed....hourly. I love having a boy!!

Promise is growing just as fast sporting new words and sentences daily. She is a hoot and I am ever surprised at what she picks up. She discovered her daddy's real name a bit ago and has tried, "Hey, Tim!" and "Where'd Tim go, mommy?" We have to keep reminding her that his name is "daddy". :)

She is super independent and yet, has entered a "hold you" stage...that is, every couple of minutes she asks, "I hold you? I hold you?" meaning, "Will you hold me?" Usually it is in response to teething pain or anxiety, of which there has been a bit these days. Our current living situation has not been conducive to a transitioning 2 year-old. Between the dogs and constant change over of visitors and strangers in the house, Promise prefers to play in our bedroom. Living in community has been tough on her, though Tim and I have enjoyed meeting and getting to know so many new people. When we return to Canada, our home will certainly be less full.

Speaking of which, we are planning to head home November 15 and will be living in Abbotsford, BC. The Lord has gone before us and we have the privilege of living in a basement suite below Tim's parents. The set-up will be a huge blessing for us! A place of sanctuary and rest, home base for the kids and close to family....all the reasons we desire to head home. We look forward to our first Thanksgiving and Christmas at home with our families. God is faithful. We have even had friends and family collecting furniture, winter clothes, and the like for us so we can set up house! We are still in need of a car, as Tim will have a bit of a commute to work (more on that later).

We plan to be there for at least 6 months, but are certain we will head out overseas once again to develop more water projects and serve in midwifery. I will let Tim share with you what his work plans are when we return to Canada. They are pretty cool. I, too, may need to work a bit, perhaps teaching prenatal courses. We are not sure what I will have time to do other than hang with my precious ones...which I must say, is a full time job!

I have been spending most days trying to prepare for heading back to Canada...it's amazing how much paperwork and "stuff" gets picked up after 3 years overseas! I have also been trying to secure Promise in her surroundings.....we threw her a Birthday party the end of August with as many familiar faces as possible including her favorite babysitters and playmates. She LOVED having friends over and since then, every time the gate squeaks, she announces, "Friends are here!" even when they are not visitors for us, but for the other tenants in the house. ;) I am also trying to set up a daily routine with the two kids that will easily be transplanted back to Canada....I must say, having TWO small children is quite the challenge. I knew it would be tough and I am amazed at how resilient my aching, overtired body is! Our routine for both kiddos seems to be feed, bathe, change, feed, rock, change, feed, etc. until bathe, put down to sleep and try to sleep. Pretty normal, eh? :)

Tim has been an incredible support, too....we are both in love with our kiddos, but gosh, two screaming children with incessant barking dogs, yapping puppies, and a busy household can really wear on us. This too, shall pass.

In all honesty, I am still struggling to find my "place" in 'our' calling....The Lord sent me to university to get a teaching degree -- check! Then He sent me to the Philippines for a midwifery degree -- check! He has us wait 6+ years before having kids and then SURPRISE right in the middle of what we thought was the "start" of our overseas ministry....now what? Tim is sure of his calling and passion....and mine seems to change yearly. :) While I am not bitter or at all disappointed in this, I am confused as to when these degrees will be used. Guess that's something for the Lord to figure out and let me know later. I love being a mom, but I still feel that PULL to do what I have spent countless hours, tons of money, and moved halfway across the world to do....if my calling is to stay at home with my kids full time, then I really want to do it with my family nearby....if the Lord wants me to both raise a family and divide my time with midwifery or teaching, then I want to be overseas serving. I dunno...I miss working at the clinic here and I miss seeing my peers minister there, too. God gives me situations here and there to help out and advise patients and peers here in midwifery, but it is not quite the same as working along side them.

I think Tim and I are in a funny stage of life.

Please keep us in your prayers as we continue to prepare for moving...again. :) Please pray that the Lord will protect our health, too, as both Toby and Tim have been fighting colds on and off. Please pray that the Lord will go before us and prepare a home for us that will bring Him glory and us joy. :) Please pray for our finances, as it will be a very difficult adjustment living in the West. Thank you for all of your support, encouragement and prayers. We are so blessed to be partnering with so many of you.....so glad to have family reading.

We will try to update the blog more frequently now that some of the dust is settling. :)

Be blessed.

In The News

Did you know that we have produced over 4000 BioSand Water Filters since we began in February 2008? That's a lot of clean water! We couldn't have done it on our own. The Lord has provided us with some great partners who have helped us distribute these filters in over 20 provinces.

These days, I am working very hard at looking to the future, setting a course for 2011. This week, however, I had occasion to look back into our past and gain some perspective.

I mentioned that Toti and I began working together in February of 2008. While he was busy building some of his first filters, I was out on a crazy adventure with some friends. We were part of a team performing a small medical clinic in a very remote village called Newtawas, located on the Davao river, on the wrong side of a distant mountain range. The hike nearly killed me.

When we arrived in Newtawas, we learned that they had just buried two people in their village who had died from water-related diseases. In fact, they reported that several people died each year due to the unsafe water. They had no choice but to drink from the very contaminated river, the effects of which were obvious. I returned to Davao and Toti and I immediately began plans to provide them with some water filters.

Did I mention that the village was on the wrong side of a distant mountain? Have I mentioned

that our filters weigh roughly 150lbs? These desperate people found a way to bring two filters over two mountains in two days. They first strapped them to a horse (oh, how I interceded for that animal!) and when the path became narrow and steep they carried the filter by hand. These people clearly understood their need.

We were glad to get the news a few days later that the filters made it to Newtawas in one piece. Our very first partners arrived in the village a few days later to install them. We distributed a few more filters in the area that month and then our attention shifted to other provinces.

Why am I telling you this outdated story? Well, last week we were reminded of our first great adventure. One of the national television networks, GMA, did a story on the evening news about these crazy BioSand Water Filters in this little place called Newtawas. GMA has a foundation that does community service projects, and they happened to be doing a medical clinic in Newtawas when they saw the filter in use.

A reporter decided to learn more about the filter and did a story on the evening news. The villagers reported that their health had improved immediately after the filter's arrival and they hadn't had any problems since! They marveled at its ability to proved safe drinking water day after day, year after year. They called on local politicians to bring in more of the filters for the entire region so that everyone could benefit from this powerful technology.

GMA's foundation has inquired about partnering with Impact Nations to help bring more filters to Newtawas and the surrounding area. We'll let you know as that develops in the coming months. We are also trying to track down a copy of the news story and will post the video here if we can find it.

I am left to reflect on the grace of God and the power of partnership. Together with a number of participants, we rescued lives. We partnered with donors in North America who provided the funds to build the filters. We partnered with another local missionary couple who provided the land on which to build the filters. We delivered the filters to the drop point using a truck that was donated by a church in Connecticut. The filters were carried over two mountains by people who were determined to be a part of the solution, and installed by compassionate people who saw the need and purposed in their heart to meet it.

The really cool thing is that these sort of stories are happening all the time, and we won't even hear about most of them. As I said, we now have over 4000 filters spread throughout more than 20 provinces. We can't keep track of each circumstance, and sometimes we get so caught up in the big picture that we forget what it is all about. We are rescuing lives. And when you stop to think about it, we have been blessed with an incredible privilege and an awesome responsibility.

Cheers,

Tim.

90 Days To Go

Hi, my name is Tim. You may remember me. I'm the dude with the red beard who used to hang around these parts. I'm related by marriage to the lovely lady that you are accustomed to hearing from. I have cute kids. I'm sorry I've not written on the blog much in the last few months. I could give you excuses, but I haven't got the time (you see what I did there?).

I realized today that we have exactly 90 days left in this country. We are scheduled to leave the Philippines on November 15th. It got me thinking a little bit about all that we have experienced since we arrived in Davao City more than three years ago, but mostly I was left fretting about all that needs to be done before we leave. With your permission, I'd like to get you caught up on what I've been up to and how I plan to spend my last 90 days.

We had dinner with some old friends tonight, and I was asked how often I get to go to the mountains to distribute the BioSand Water Filter. I explained the gradual shift from being the wild guy with the Grizzly Adams beard (don't click this link) who would wander around the countryside looking for dirty water, to the super focused business/sales guy that I am today. That's a pretty big shift in two and a half years, especially when you consider the fact that I still have essentially the same goals, with the exact same product.

My feelings about the BioSand Water Filter haven't changed. I still believe it to be an incredibly powerful tool for bringing safe drinking water to families in need. It also opens all sorts of doors for sharing the gospel, not to mention that fact that it can serve as a powerful demonstration of the gospel all by itself (Matt 25:35).

My approach to the BioSand Water Filter, however, has changed dramatically over the years. I have learned the hard way, time after time, how not to distribute the filter. I have felt pride at my accomplishments one day, only to come crashing down to earth the next as I learned of colossal failure. Without boring you with specifics, I will tell you that our greatest mistake was failing to maintain control over our distribution system. We had some great organizations and individuals who were helping us to install filters all over Mindanao. We became so focused on manufacturing quality filters and getting people excited about them, but I wasn't following up with our partners to be sure that we had a sustainable plan in place. We were all having fun blessing people with safe water, but it was total chaos.

It's funny how a deadline will sharpen your mind. As a student I used to leave my large assignments until the last minute. When the night before the due date arrived, I suddenly found myself able to focus. I have since matured and the Lord has helped me in my battle against procrastination, but the principle still applies. When it became clear that Bethany and I would be leaving the Philippines at the end of this year, I had the deadline I needed. In the time since that decision was made, Toti and I have been working like crazy to put systems in place to bring order to the chaos that I had created.

In recent weeks I have been working with Grayson Bain, the chairman of the Impact Nations International Ministries' board, and his right-hand man, Daniel Anggara, to put together a short-term and long-term plan for Impact Nations Philippines. The two of them have done a masterful job of helping me get our books in order so that we can better plan on where to go next. Now that we have a pretty good grasp of our financial situation, we can focus on the other factors. I have my regular weekly meeting with them in a few hours, so I'll need to get to bed soon.

I should mention that Impact Nations Philippines, Inc. has been financially self-sustained for some time now. We sell filters to government agencies and NGOs, and then reinvest our profits in order to increase our infrastructure and influence. We now have two manufacturing facilities on opposite sides of the country and two large flatbed trucks delivering as many as 70 filters at a time.

In addition to my work with Grayson and Daniel, I have been working hard on creating a consistent marketing message and strategy that can be employed by our team of distributors. We have individuals and organizations serving as authorized distributors of the BioSand Water Filter. They now have the marketing tools and the training needed to go out into their communities and promote this technology. Creating these tools was a great deal of hard work, but I believe it will lead to considerable success. We hope to create employment (distributors can earn a handsome wage and hire an installation team) and increase our market while maintaining quality control throughout each step in the distribution process. We will also have a much better ability to assess which strategies are working and which ones are in need of alteration.

If you would like to get a feel for what all this looks like, I encourage you to check out our new website. It should give you a bit of an understanding of our approach and our commitment to quality control, ensuring that each recipient of the BioSand Water Filter understands its import, use, and maintenance.

So, those are some of the things that I've been working on lately. My hours have been long and I don't get to the mountains anymore, but I am chasing a dream. I want so badly to see a network of distributors bringing a lifetime supply of safe drinking water to families all over this country. I so desperately desire to see my dear friend Toti take up the torch and carry this organization to bigger and better things. The Lord has been so gracious with us as we have stumbled in the dark. Toti and I believe that He has great things in store for us in the coming years.

Cheers,

Tim.

Update and Birth story....

Greetings! Sorry for the delay in posting...we have been spending the last few days catching our breaths. :) What a whirlwind it has been! However, things are going very well and God has shown Himself to be merciful, faithful and good.

Just a quick update before telling the "birth story" (midwives love that stuff)....

Toby had 7 days of antibiotics - 3 days intravenously and 4 days intramuscularly receiving 3 injections in his thigh per day (not an adventure I want to ever repeat).

By day 5 of the antibiotics, Toby's jaundice was beginning to subside with morning sunlight treatment and his activity level and awake, alert times were increasing. :) He gained a bit of weight taking him back up to his birth weight and managed to breastfeed 2 times per day without trouble (I had to pump the rest of the day and feed him by bottle).

Today, now two weeks old, Toby has passed his birth weight (PRAISE THE LORD!), is looking more and more like a little man, is having normal bowel movements (AND FREQUENT, TOO! No "fairy farts" and "angel burps" for THIS kid! He is ALL BOY!), is becoming a bit playful, smiling, cooing and seems like a completely different baby! The doc said that he believes Toby is out of the danger zone, though we were advised to be monitor him carefully over the next few months to make sure there are no side effects to his infection.

He sleeps well and only cries when he is overtired, falling quickly asleep at the breast....and not necessarily eating. Grr. He quietly wakes every 3 hours to feed...but doesn't cry...just grunts and squeaks....how nice of him.

Promise is still adjusting, but has stopped trying to steal his clothing and toys. She is still very clingy and high maintenance, fearing Toby has taken our affection, but she now pokes him and will kiss him on the cheek when prompted. She even pokes his nose saying, "Cute Baby Tobes".

Gramma Con (my mom) is coming to Davao this Tuesday (!!!) and Promise and I are sooo very thankful for the company, Tim is thankful for the help (he needs to work!) and Toby is thankful that his mommy will enjoy peaceful conversation over coffee with her mom. :)

Sooo...now for the "birth story" for those of you who like that kind of stuff. For those of you who can't handle reading about blood and private parts, stop reading now. :)

So...as many of you knew, we had tried to naturally induce labor as a result of my excruciating hip pain. After trying evening primrose oil, stripping the membranes, exercise, "contact" (sex), blue and black cohosh, and red raspberry, my midwife and friend, Bea and I decided that enough was enough....nothing was working and we were both very tired. At 39 weeks, I was exhausted, Tim was fried, and Promise was getting more and more annoyed with my decreasing ability to play with her. Then we got the flu.

The flu sent all three of us into a tailspin, giving me very painful contractions and hip pain without any cervical dilation...I THOUGHT I was in labor, but then the contractions just stopped. Grr.

A few days passed and my other midwife, Erin, came over to take me on a fast walk....I had mentioned to her that when I was active, the contractions would come every 2 minutes, but as soon as I would enter air con or sit, they would just stop. Erin and I walked briskly with Promise, Tim, and Erin's sister, Colleen, in tow with my contractions coming every 2 minutes...strong...when we got back to the house..yeah, you guessed it...they stopped. Erin and I discussed my need to just get this little man out or get a good night sleep. After talking to Bea, we decided that I needed to drink a beer and get some sleep. We would try inducing with stripping the membranes and walking again tomorrow.

Beer was had and I fell right to sleep....until 2 am when I woke up with strong contractions every 4 minutes putting intense pressure on my hips and cervix. YEAH!!! I definitely felt like I had reached true, early labor. Thankfully, I was able to stay lying down and rest through the contractions. Upon waking and showering, the contractions slowed a bit, but I felt as though perhaps they had done some good. Bea came over at 10 am to check things out while Tim took Promise to church...I had told her about my night, but I that I didn't think anything had progressed....she did an internal exam....4 cm dilated!!! WAHOO! We both cried....we had started labor.

She stripped the membranes for a long time and when I got up, my contractions nearly knocked me over! YEAH!!! We were both excited....we knew today was the day...Toby was coming and we were ready. We decided to make pancakes with chocolate chips and walnuts and visit....except my water broke as soon as I sat down to eat...it was a high break causing just a little fluid to come out....Bea and I prayed, checked Toby's heart tones and the color of the fluid and headed to the air con bed room to eat, labor and wait for Tim to come home. We also texted Erin and An-An so that they would be ready when Bea and I decided baby was coming. Erin was to assist Bea while An-An was to assist Promise. :)

Labor pains increased significantly after my water broke, which is totally normal, except my hips started to seize making the pain very different than the labor pain I remembered with Promise. The pain was so intense that I thought I was dilating much faster than I truly was. Bea was busy squeezing my hips together and reminding me to eat my pancakes here and there between contractions. We totally enjoyed our time together....we talked with our dear friend Sherry Gregory (remember her from previous posts?), Heidi and Kate, and my parents breathing through contractions and trying to shoot the breeze in between. Fluid came out periodically, but no bloody show or anything else. Early labor.

Then things got more intense....Tim came home and Erin came shortly thereafter to find me not coping as well as I once was. Tim put Promise down for a much-needed nap and Erin and Bea began checking heart tones again. An-An came just in case Promise woke up from her nap wondering what all the grunting and heavy breathing was coming from. :)

Promise slept from 1 pm to 4 pm (a record for her for sure!) and during her sleeping hours, I progressed from 4 cm to 6 cm...we knew this because I was in excruciating pain desperately desiring to push or bear down....Bea did an internal exam and broke the bad news, "Bethany, you can't push, you need to only breathe." I think at this point, I said a naughty word and eagerly rose to my feet to try and cope with the next contraction...this was where Tim, Erin and Bea were needed to help me cope. The pain came like a HUGE, angry 10-wheeler barreling down on my hips....I screamed bearing down a bit and needing to bite something. Yup, it's true. I wanted to displace the pain, so I bit myself in the arm! Ha ha ha...Erin, Tim and Bea bursted into laughter....

Then there were the contractions that made me cry out "TCHOO-TCHOO!" and "I REALLY can't do this anymore!" and "BEA, JUST GET THE BABY OUT!" and "TOBY! COME OUT IN JESUS' NAME!!!" Followed by a series of giggles. I nearly bit Tim twice, nearly broke Bea's hand off and chewed out Erin for telling me to breathe one million much-needed times. Contractions came faster leaving no time for adequate breathing and Tim's strength became the only thing I could physically feel holding me up. It was at this point that I literally felt abandoned by God.

Now, I know He was there the entire time, but I distinctly recall Him being tangibly, emotionally and graciously present when I labored with Promise. So much so, that I sang hymns and thanked God for the contractions....this labor was totally different. I felt no peace, no grace, no mercy, and though I know in my heart He was there, I honestly felt abandoned....on my own...though we prayed, I felt no emotional relief, no spiritual encouragement, no strength or power outside of myself to continue. It was the most difficult place I have ever been in...I felt so strange ....I felt like Tim was it...His strength was all I felt.

An-An hung out with Promise outside the bedroom and managed to keep her totally content. :) I love An-An.

Around 4 ish, after copious position changes and coping attempts, Erin suggested I head into the bathroom for a warm shower. Erin, Bea and Tim followed me in the tub, an enclosed space about 4 feet by 6 feet...and me thrashing about in the hot shower spray. I was still wearing my "duster" (dress) squatting with each contraction held up by Tim and Erin on the edge of the tub while Bea coached me to breathe.....

Then it came...the BURN....then, the BLOOD...then I said, "TOBY IS COMING!!!!!" Bea maneuvered the tight space to get a good look at my pwerta..."HEAD VISIBLE!"

We managed to turn me around so that I was in supported squat held by Tim, Bea was at Toby's head, and Erin donned gloves checking heart tones and getting towels prepared. We laughed and cried as we knew this labor nightmare was almost over.

I pushed through only 2 or 3 contractions moving Toby to 4-5 cm head visible...more BURN! I could feel my body gently pushing without me...stretching further and further...

Bea coached me to breathe Toby out little by little....we met eyes and I touched Toby's head...Erin was encouraging me that it was almost there while Tim leaned over my shoulder to see Toby's squished skull between my legs. Poor kid!

Erin was unable to find heart tones during the 20 minutes it took to get Toby's head out....he was just so deep in my pelvis. As his head came out, I felt some relief, but another contractions barreled down on my lower abdomen making pushing so hard seizing my hips, too. I could hear Bea call out, "Body wrap"...the umbilical cord was around Toby's body, though not around is neck...his purple body came out with a gush of fluid and blood....he was purple. No cry. Limp. Instinctively, Bea and Erin placed him on my naked abdomen and chest stimulating him to breathe....nothing. He had passed terminal meconium, so we were covered in the thick, sticky, black goo. Good thing we were in the tub!

It was then that Erin jumped out of the tub grabbing the stethoscope and locking eyes with Bea and myself. We all knew the severity of the situation. Toby was in trouble. His first Apgar score was 2 and his second, at 5 minutes after birth was 3. I started to call out to Toby - "Toby...it's your momma...you gotta breathe, love....open your eyes and breathe, Toby!!...Jesus, make Him breathe, please!" I heard Tim begin to pray in tongues...

Bea grabbed the Ambu-bag to start PPV (resuscitation) while Erin checked Toby's heartbeat (it was steady at 130 bpm). His heart was strong, but he just could not take a breath. His eyes closed, I yelled for An-An and Promise to come in...An-An began to pray aloud and I heard Promise say, "Toby came out!" :) It was then that above Bea's "Breathe, two, three, Breathe, two, three" I heard Tim, Erin, An-An and myself storm the gates of Heaven for mercy. Praying in whatever language we could speak under the circumstances, we claimed life for our precious boy. Erin and Bea cut his umbilical cord and moved him to a flat surface to continue resuscitating. We continued to storm Heaven claiming Toby's name..."God is ALWAYS good...Tobias Robert James Stewart....GOD is ALWAYS GOOD! You are a TESTIMONY of God's goodness so you cannot die....you will LIVE in Jesus' Name to PROCLAIM the GOODNESS OF GOD! You are POWERFUL in the KINGDOM and the breath of LIFE and the HOLY SPIRIT are on you!"

The peace in the bathroom as we prayed and prayed was thick...the Presence of God had returned. We all knew it, too. Though Toby was still not breathing, we were feeling God's grace in the room.

An-An called 911 for an ambulance to be transported to the hospital and while we waited, Erin had the idea to literally turn Toby upside down, hanging him by his feet to get blood to his head...his eyes flew open and he grimaced! The first sign of improvement. Bea brought him to my chest again and gave him oxygen...he was a bit more pink, but still could not breathe...his chest was pink, but his hands, feet, and head were purple like death....we continued to pray...LOUDLY. Erin and Bea scurried around the bathroom preparing a transport bag and wrapping Toby up tight.

The ambulance came and the EMTs came in looking like deer in headlights as they saw a half-naked white lady in an empty tub with three large white people running around, a new baby purple and not breathing and An-An and Promise directing them. It was quite the sight for them...I am sure it was their first homebirth experience!

Toby, Tim and Erin raced to Brokenshire hospital while An-An stayed with Promise here at the house and Bea assisted in delivering my placenta, checking for tears, and stabilizing me. She was amazing. I immediately showered off with Bea's help and went pee. She checked me for a tear...a slight 1st degree that, though she suggested we suture, I argued that I would try the natural healing way if it closed straight...Bea looked a little skeptical, but she knew I was just wanting to get to the hospital ASAP. She relented and helped me dress, got me food, checked me for excessive bleeding (total estimated blood loss was 200 ccs), assisted me with the horrible afterpains, and helped pack an overnight bag for the hospital. Meanwhile, Promise and I skyped my parents, my brother, called Tim and sent out a facebook plea for prayer.

We were getting periodical updates from Tim and Erin...the last one just before leaving for the hospital was a noise I will never forget...Toby's cry...a shrill, but strong cry. Made me cry.

An-An offered to stay at the house while Bea, Promise and I raced to the hospital by taxi to meet up with Toby. Tim would then take Promise back home, tuck her into bed, An-An would be relieved by one of the girls from Mercy (thank you to Beth and Sarah for that!) and Tim would head back to the hospital overnight with me and Toby. Bea would be back in the morning to assess the situation and stay with me at the hospital while Tim headed home to check on Promise. It was quite the scheduling party!

At the hospital, Erin and Tim shared how the emergency room nurses and docs seemed so taken by the "white, peaceful baby" that they really stunk at helping him to breathe. Tim and Erin had to fight to get care for Toby and argue for his needs to be met as the nurses were thinking the baby was just quiet. Erin and Tim both shared how they emphatically, nearly yelled, "HE CAN'T BREATHE!!!"to the nurses. However, the pediatrician was being reached by phone and was ordering a bunch of tests. When I arrived, he was already hooked up to a oxygen-checking machine checking his O2 saturation and had been poked several times. I tried breastfeeding and he immediately latched on though he was still struggling to breathe and came off often in order to catch his breath.

Nurses came and went...we were all quite shaken up. And then Toby developed jaundice....the bad kind that develops within the first 24 hours of life. He rapidly turned from yellow to orange, making him irritable and difficult to feed. The next 24 hours were extremely difficult, though we were happy Toby was crying, he did not stop. He cried for 36 hours straight, arching his back and flexing all his muscles as if he was in great pain. He could not relax. His breathing was rough and his grunts sore. His voice was so hoarse. Tim and I were fried. Bea and Erin stayed super late to make sure we were okay for the evening. We were brought food and supplies while waiting for the next nurse to check Toby's vitals. None of them would give him anything for his distress. In the morning, after a sleepless night, Bea came and pleaded with the nurses to help Toby with his discomfort. We waited for the doctor to come while feeding Toby breastmilk by syringe.

The doctor, Dr. Estuart (the husband of the amazing OB doc I had at Brokenshire the previous month) was super friendly and helpful. He shared that the blood tests showed that Toby had a serious infection, though we had no idea what the bacteria causing it was. Bea and I thought it might be Group B strep as they do not test for that here, but it is quite common. Dr. Estuart ordered more tests and by Monday evening, Toby was on his first dose of intravenous antibiotics. Between the heel stick glucose testing, the multiple attempts at intravenous lines, and the blood tests, Toby had been poked 20 times....I cried a lot. So did Bea. Erin came Monday, too, and together we tried to figure out what we had just been through and what possible bacteria could be causing Toby such horrible chest pain and retractions.

Tim stayed at home with Promise Monday night while Bea stayed with me...it was another rough night. Bea helped me take a sponge bath and held screaming Toby while I slept. My hips were in excruciating pain as a result of afterpains and labor trauma. It was awful. Bea brought me beer to help with the milk production and pain, milk tea, and malunggay pills. Her house brought us a TON of groceries and snacks...we were in tears we were so grateful.

Bea and I had it out with the resident doctor as she was not doing her job and met with Dr. Estuart the next day to discuss the possibility of continuing Toby's treatment at home given the fact that the bacteria had still not been identified. There was the possibility of Listeria...though the onset of symptoms did not match....everyone seemed baffled. With Bea's help, we argued a good case to continue Toby's care at home. The Doc agreed as long as Bea gave the antibiotics intravenously until his catheter could no longer be used and then switch to intramuscular injections. We told him that we would keep in contact and he wrote our discharge papers.

The next few days were extremely rough. I was happy for a hot shower, but between the aftermath of labor, my tear, no sleep, and the stress of poking Toby 3x a day made healing very difficult. Promise was sensing the overall stress of the house, too. Tim was eager to get back to work, but with Promise struggling with the new addition, he spent a long time manning her while I focused on Toby. Toby began taking a bottle again of pumped breastmilk. We woke up by alarm every 2 hours to feed him as the jaundice had caused him severe lethargy that he wouldn't wake up even when hungry. My milk came in and between the early morning sunbathing and the new milk, Toby's jaundice started to subside. It was awful giving him injections in his thighs 3x per day, but he started to improve. Meanwhile, we were in close contact with Dr. Estuart regarding his care. Bea came over everyday either to bring food or arrange for food to come and to help give Toby his meds or check on me.

After a week, we met with the doc again....Toby was given an "out of danger" sign and we were told to monitor him closely for any residual side effects. 12 days after birth, I went to Bea because of severe pain in the pwerta...I was not healing...the stress and pressure had caused my tear to stay open and we opted to suture. A little late and painful, but needed.

So, though I am leaving a whole bunch of details out...you can see how God truly walked with us the whole way.

Today, I said goodbye to the dearest friend. Bea left Davao this morning for good. She is returning home after two years of midwifery training and I have to tell you...she is the best midwife I have ever seen...the most caring and qualified of nurses I have ever met and the dearest friend I have ever made here in Davao. Her service and grace, compassion and mercy over me and my family has truly impacted me...for life. She has been incredible....a source of encouragement....a source of help....His hands and feet when I could not "feel" Him....the Spirit of God in flesh. My life will never be the same because of her. She enriched and challenged me more than anyone I have met in our travels. I will miss her.

Not only Bea, but the whole 2010 Newlife International School of Midwifery class left this morning...the dearest friends I have ever had. We went to the airport together today to say our tearful goodbyes. They left a HUGE hole here. Tim and I have been so impacted by them. Amazing group of women. I am so thankful for the two years I had with them. They were there when Promise was born and they stayed to see the birth of Toby. Wow. Two years and so much has happened. I am grateful.

Tuesday, my mom arrives and not a moment too soon...or too late. The emptiness I feel as a result of losing such friendships here, no doubt will be alleviated by the sweet friendship, conversation, and companionship of my mom. I can't wait to hug her....and cry. A lot.

Tim is getting back into a routine and Promise is adjusting. Toby is growing and is now breastfeeding well. He is awesome....and burps and farts like a boy. :)

I better quit now. I am tired....crying now, too, as I reminisce on the past two weeks. Whew.

God is ALWAYS good.

Be blessed and thanks for reading.